Sleep Number

You know those stupid commercials for egg pans where they have a slew of terrible actors throwing the fully intact eggs onto the stove and weeping?
It just pulls at your heartstrings, really. But… BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Suddenly, this amazing pan emerges and their marriages are stronger, their children get into Yale and the dog’s cancer diagnosis comes back clear!
As uplifting and inspirational as their tales are, I often find my inner skeptic pounding at the walls of my heart and vehemently screaming, «There’s no WAY that dog doesn’t have cancer, COME ON».
Well… I’m here to say that maybe that dog’s going to pull through. Maybe sweet, sweet miracles really do happen to unpaid spokespeople.
Why?
Because I’ve just had one of my own.
Our last bed was expensive, unwieldy and uncomfortable from the moment I brought it into our house. I tried everything: I threw it at the stove, I slapped it repeatedly with a spatula and even made multiple faces of frustration. Nothing improved.
Then finally, Jenny said to me the words I’ve been longing to hear.
«Honey, let’s go bed shopping.»
When we walked into the Sleep Number store, I could feel in my bones that this was where daily miracles took place. The guy that assisted us was really personable and lacked the typical pushiness of a salesman, instead taking about 45 minutes to answer our questions and show us the available products. We bid him adieu and said we’d be back after we slept on it.
We slept on it… uncomfortably. After laying on a Sleep Number (even for that brief time in the middle of a showroom), our bed felt like a sack of lopsided virgin femurs.
Needless to say, we went back the next day and bought it without a hitch.
We’ve been sleeping on it for a week now and it’s… well, it’s changed my life.
Me before:
— Severe and persistent insomnia for eight years.
— Severe intense back, neck and shoulder pain every single morning.
— Never-​ending rolling, shifting and readjusting.
— Awaking at the slightest noise.
— Panic attacks at bedtime because I knew what was coming.
Me now (even after the FIRST FUCKING NIGHT):
— I sleep through an entire night without waking.
— I often awake in the exact same position and I’m still comfortable.
— Zero pain or tightness in any of my muscles.
— I’m excited as shit to go to bed.
— I got accepted to Yale.
This weekend at work was the first night that I didn’t get to sleep on our new bed. Guess what? I feel like I swan dived into a wood chipper; my entire upper body is on fire and I’m absolutely exhausted.
Everything about this place is miraculous, people. The service, the process, the bed itself… everything. And it comes with a 25 year guarantee. If that doesn’t scream, «OUR PRODUCT IS QUALITY», I don’t know what the hell does.
You know what else? I can fucking nap again. I could never just go take a nap before because it used to take me a minimum of 2 – 3 hours of lying in bed to finally fall asleep, so it was frustratingly pointless.