Pizza Hut

I just finished eating a pizza from this Pizza Hut and OMFG, I’ve never consumed so much grease before in my life! By the time I got done eating it, about 4:59 after I brought it through the front door of my house, I looked like Né-​Yo after a lusty makeout session with Russell Simmons. The late, great Pimp C would have been disgusted. Pause.
I ended up at Pizza Hut because I figured I’d have pizza, even though I just had pizza the other day (#firstworldproblems), it was getting dangerously close to Miller Time, and I wasn’t emotionally equipped to try anything new, like one of these suspect places Unilocal recommends that’s not a chain: they could be great, or they could be one of these mom and pop joints where the pop is his own brother. I wasn’t in an adventurous mood.
The good thing about gorging yourself on pizza here in end times is that you can get a pizza from pretty much anywhere for $ 10. Pizza Hut dropped the prices of its large pizza to $ 10 a couple of years ago, and everyone else followed suit, and it’s been that way ever since. One time Pizza Hut try to ratchet it up to $ 11, or $ 12, depending on what you got on it, and that lasted for all of about two weeks. They must have damn near gone out of business.
I don’t even sweat trying to find out what the specials are anymore. If I called one of these pizza places and they quoted me a price of more than $ 10, I’d just laugh in their faces and go somewhere else. Even for Meat Lovers. I think most places still do have that $ 28 Supreme Pizza listed on their menu, but that’s just in case Kanye West calls. What does he care? He’s got money to blow. His cocaine comes in a tiny glass bottle (as opposed to baggies).
Speaking of ballin’ so hard, the tendency is to want to get everything you possibly can as a topping, since it’s free anyway. I’m sure someone has already tried to just run down the entire list of available toppings. It’s the new spending four hours at Endless Shrimp. If you’re so inclined, it might even be worth trying to have them throw in something that doesn’t even go on pizza, like a two liter of Coke. You know, put the entire system on trial!
I just went with pepperoni, sausage and onion, because I find that piling too many toppings on a pizza throws off the delicate balance. A true fatass would rather just eat more than one pizza. If I had it to do over again, I might just go with sausage and onion. Or sausage, onion and some other meat. Because for whatever reason, the sausage at Pizza Hut is delicious by any objective standard (they could serve it at Pi), but the pepperoni is shitty even by elementary school lunch standards.
Suddenly I’m craving a tiny carton of milk.
The pepperoni may have contributed some to the grease factor, because pepperoni pizza regardless of where you get it has that unappetizing and yet delicious layer of orange grease on top of it, but pizza from Pizza Hut also has a shedload of grease in the crust. That’s how it got all over my hands. It’s not like I was touching the top of it. I get a little bit messy when I’m especially enthusiastic about eating, but it’s not like I turn into the developmentally disabled. #noshots
If we’ve learned anything at all today, it’s that pizza from a national chain isn’t any good, but Pizza Hut is probably the best of them all, because it’s almost certainly the least healthy, and the less healthy something is the better it tastes, as a rule.