Private Chef Alaina

I am the bride of the wedding East Bay wrote of. We have just finished taking Chef Alaina to small claims court. Shawndee, yes, she does have mental health problems and she brought the documents to prove it (she had a reason that she didn’t show up to court the first two times). She legally owes us $ 2000 now.
A warning to all: DO NOT HIRE CHEF ALAINA FOR ANYTHING!!!

This fraud of a caterer is HORRIBLE. I have never met this woman or contracted her for any catering events, but I know of an event she so-​called catered and she was so unprofessional it was ridiculous. Why would she ever agree to cater an event that she knows she just cant do. I can’t believe this woman has her own business. She really needs to see a mental health provider for an assessment, because something is not right with this woman. As a Black woman I am all for supporting Black businesses and go out of my way to do so, but NOT this business ever and I recommend the same to all you Unilocalers out there.

I’m making that motion where I’m slicing my throat with my imaginary broadsword, one eye cocked into my skull, BIG ol’ choking sound. And now I’m yelling, «HELL mickey-​fickey NO.»
Woo woo, I’m ALL about amusing atrocities. I roll my eyes to the back of my head and get all hot and bothered when there’re freaks on the streets thinking they’z hot shit. But LO’D HAVE MERCY, NEVER, EVER, EVER entertain the notion of the atrocity that is Private Chef Alaina.
I mean, the point-​your-​finger proofreading snob in you should already have you running for the hills upon a glance at her website:
«I, Chef Alaina, created the idea of being able to eat Strawberries, Cookies, Assorted Fruit with some of your favorite toppings, such as Orea Cookies, M&M, Jelly Bellies, Reeses, Sugar Sprinkles, Cartoon Characters and many more Creative Designs. If you or an Organization have an idea and want to make that Special Presentation, let me create that idea for you, a competitor may try to duplicate, but will never imitate my Personalize and Creative Designs that arises from I, Chef Alaina.»
Getting ideas of a delusional, entitled mess of a so-​called cook? That’s what she is.
It’s so, so hard not to make this a personal attack, but this really is a one-​woman catastrophe parading itself as a legitimate business. Here’s what happened:
I went to a wedding in the hot-​ass inland. Mm hmm, I burned through my pants and still have the welts from the 10x size insects. Lovely wedding though, because of the beautiful bride and groom, the designer, and the guests, who were forgiving about the psycho pile of rancid poo that was Chef Alaina.
She arrived an hour late, but still had more than 3 hours before dinner. A staff of 3 running around — one to put mushrooms on a tray one at a time, one to pour bevarages, and one to run around doing everything else possible (bless her heart) — and by dinnertime, what came out on the table were about 10 servings of rice, bean water, and collard greens. That’s it. None of the promised catfish, none of the salad, none of the cornbread.
No, each of those items would come out by the 3-​serving handful about EVERY HOUR as wedding guests were standing with their hands on their hips, fanning themselves with their plates. No explanation. She procured a later excuse that the stoves weren’t working properly; but if that was true (which it warrn’t), why the hell didn’t she say something, oh, 4 hours ago?
There were entire tables that didn’t get to eat anything during the whole night. The potato salad came out about 2 hours after dinner started. One more tray of bean water after dark. The fish came in about 3 small handfuls over 4 hours.
When the BRIDE, after calming down behind the house, spoke with the chef, she was told, «THAT’S CUZ IT’S FRESH!»
Every time someone entered the kitchen, she’d *look* all busy and frantic. Kind of like a speed freak cleaning a house — looking all industrious picking up and putting down objects, but curiously getting nothing done.
I do NOT need to go into the fact that you basically smote and DEFECATED on a wedding, an event you should respect as the most important occasion of many people’s lives, Private Chef Alaina. It should be effin’ obvious that you need to PLAN yo azz and never even put forth that you can’t come close to doing ¹⁄₅₆^th of the job, rather than waste everyone’s time, tears, and anger.
Oh, and the pièce de résistance? The fucking wedding cake. Slapped-​together angel food cake with Cool Whip and strawberry jelly. You know, like 1 dollar cakes from Chinatown shat out of a conveyor belt.
Of course, she took until midnight to leave, as most of the guests probably went to a burger stand, and the rest were whispering about her bitterly outside.
Have some damn respect, woman — for your victims, your employees, for YOURSELF. But please archive your beautiful website, as it’s a fucking gem that belongs in a museum of atrocities.