Hamburger Mary’s Bar & Grille

Went to HM for a monthly get together with some friends, had WONDERFUL service! Unfortunately I ordered a drink and they ran out of the alcohol that was suppose to be in my drink but they comped my drink for the inconvenience :)
We also ordered something off the menu but they ran out of that also :(
Overall it was a good experience! With GREAT service :) we would all return!

The service at Hamburger Mary’s was superb. Our waitress went out of her way multiple times for us. I asked her opinion on which spicy sauce was best, and she brought me three to try. She thought my sweet potato fries weren’t perfect, so she brought me another heaping plate full. I didn’t request any of this, she was just a stellar waitress!
Our food was good. We both opted for the build your «designer» burger. There were Sooo many options for grilled/​fried toppings, fresh veggies, cheeses, meats, and sauces.
My other half had the beer battered onion rings as a side, and as I said, I had the sweet potato fries. Both were tasty. We also had the house fries with Garlic aioli compliments of the house, and they were quite good.
We made our dinner stop at Hamburger Mary’s on a Monday. Just now i read some of the other reviews I’m quite sad. I didn’t get the full drag queen experience. I’ll have to remedy this soon!!! Looks like the entertainment is fabulous, especially Drag Queen Bingo, Karaōke, and Trivia.

My reviews seems to cover the evolution of Mary’s. The first was during their start-​up and I gave them 4 stars, the second review was 5, and I’ve since been there 2 more times and it’s gone down hill.
The service is horrid, as others have stated, if you are going to Mary’s make sure you eat and drink before you arrive. You will be here awhile with slow service and mediocre performance.
So why one star? Simple, it started with a waitress who couldn’t get people’s orders correct despite writing them down. Took 30 minutes for her to even take our orders, another 45 for food to arrive and yet ANOTHER 45 minutes just to get the damn check (despite repeated requests during her infrequent visits.) Yes folks, it took 2 hours from sitting down to paying the bill to for 2 drinks and a burger.
The sound system is way over kill, if you are anywhere near the time a show is going to start, leave quickly. Your ears will be bleeding from the shrieking coming from the speakers.
This is to small of a venue to have that kind of speaker over kill. It’s also to small to have this bad of service. I will be perfectly fine never returning to Mary’s.

Had their Buffy Burger with onion rings. It was the greasiest slop I’ve ever had. Pass this place up.

Don’t waste your time. Went to HM’s Friday Jan. 18^th around 8:00 PM. Not too busy, but not dead. I have to say that the worst part by far was the service. These people are scattered and I’m being kind. The wait staff are completely clueless.
I was visiting HM’s with 2 of my friends and we went for dinner. Seated promptly. After the longest time, a waiter finally noticed we were there and asked about drinks then said if you’re ready, probably should order your meals too. So we did. The bartenders promptly poured our drinks but after watching them sit on the bar for 10 minutes, we finally just went and got them ourselves.
My order came with a salad and when it arrived, no dressing. Told the delivery boy that the dressing was missing who then told me he’d run and get it. Guess what? Never came back. FInally snagged a hostess who brought some. No follow-​up from our primary waiter. Sorry to say that this place is a joke and neither me nor my friends will bother coming back. It’s too bad because the HM in Palm Springs is the complete opposite. Good luck if you decide to go or plan to have a lot of time available and patience for incompetence.
ps — Don’t spend the $ 3 to upgrade to a Kobe burger, it’s just not there.

Hamburger Mary’s know what they’re doing. Brunch, bottomless mimosas and drag queens? I dare you to describe something better.
If you’re going to go, you absolutely have to come to the drag queen show for brunch on Sundays. I have never had so much fun where breakfast and transvestites are concerned. The show begins around 12pm and ends promptly at 2pm.
Our server was adorable and absolutely amazing. Prompt, attentive, splitting the bill before we even asked him to, refilling our bottomless mimosas with care and even giving my sister free bottomless mimosas because he could tell we were having such a great time. This is the Sunday brunch to go to after a fun night out to keep the shenanigans going.
Arrive at twelve to make sure you get to see the whole show, and bring $ 1 bills. The girls put on such a hilarious and carefully orchestrated show, with a variety of costume and wig changes; I wish I had brought more.
And bottomless mimosas for $ 9?! Why wouldn’t you? Mary’s hosts typical brunch food to sustain your day-​drinking, although we didn’t get any burgers they looked delicious, and I think I would go for that next time.
Overall, what a lovely experience. There is just something about eating bacon while watching two drag queens throw their fake-​boobs at one another that you can’t get anywhere else.

Hamburger Mary’s is the kind of place I want to love. It tries to be a great queer/​drag/​individuality friendly place.
But in reality, its a mess of disappointment.
The amount of time it takes to get a single drink is absurd. I have waited for half an hour before asking where my basic well drink is, only to find that they had forgotten about it. Or there’s the times when its a half-​hour late and they just assure you that it’s coming.
In multiple three hour spans of time spent here, I’ve been able to get a maximum of three drinks. Not because I’m being belligerent and not because I’m nursing the drinks I do get. But because the service is SO slow!
Now, I’ve been a waitress and I was no good at it. I was slow, I forgot orders, and I dropped things. As a result, I tend to be very forgiving of bad service even as others are trying to restrain their tempers. But even I can provide better service than I regularly see at this place.
Add in that they’ve recently been starting shows earlier and earlier, with no warning. There are times I go early enough that I expect to be able to have a conversation with those close to me. But lately my conversations have been getting cut short by loud music starting well before the «official» starting time.
In addition, the food is mediocre and not nearly worth the price.
I wish I had better words to say about this place, but I’ve been thoroughly disappointed in so many ways and so many times. Though once a regular patron, I doubt I’ll be back.

One of the other reviewers said «If you choose to go to Hamburger Mary’s, drink and eat before you go.» And brother, let me tell you what a truth it is. I have been here only a few times but that was plenty to determine that I probably could have served the entire restaurant faster than their waitstaff did, and no, I’m not a waiter; I’m even including the time it would take me to learn their computer system, memorize their menu, and blatantly screw up everyone’s order the same way their staff does.
The burger I got was tasty enough (although it was cold) however I really would have appreciated getting the food that I had ordered as opposed to the burger that I got. By that point, however, I was unwilling to wait an additional 40 min. and I was quite sure that if they actually did fix the burger I would be getting the exact same fries so I opted to just eat it. Also recently a new manager has taken over who has decided that this restaurant is now going to be an ‘entertainment venue’. His idea of entertainment consists of drowning out a restaurant with horrible acoustics with so much noise for their shows that it is impossible to talk to the person sitting across from you. If you’re going to be a nightclub, be a nightclub. They certainly have the bathrooms of a nightclub: they are disgusting, smelly, and frequently out of order.
This used to be a great place to go with a group of friends but no longer.

Having been there once a long time ago and then working on a memory, maybe I’m just remembering HM’s better than it was back in the day?
All I know is that now they have replaced what used to be a very friendly and warm atmosphere with insanely loud «music» (and I do use the term loosely) — apparently HM’s is trying to convert themselves from an LGBT-​friendly community hangout with what used to be stiff drinks and decent bar food into just another divey alternative bar where you can’t hear your own voice over the din. I’d rate the service these days somewhere between Tin Shed (inside joke) and a vending machine… you’d have better luck finding and smoothing out a crumpled dollar bill off the street than finding a waiter or bartender who isn’t busy with 10 other things.
Too bad for the owners… there are plenty of other good places in the area that don’t see themselves as the second coming of PT Barnum.

I go here pretty regularly for a social meetup, but wow is the service a hot mess in this place. The group I’m there with usually has at least 2 servers assigned to our section, but they never seem to be able to keep up with orders, and it takes them forever to fetch your drink from the bar upfront.
The food is tasty, but uniformly unhealthy. The kind of food that only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk or high. Typical diner food, but at Pearl prices.
The bathrooms are also pretty tragic (at least the ladies’) — the stall doors seldom close properly, so you end up having to post a friend to guard it or stick your foot out to prevent someone from walking in on you.

This place gets a 1 star because my sandwich was actually good once they got it right (& because this is the lowest rating Unilocal will let me give).
My friend recommended this place because she went to this same restaurant when she was in Chicago and she stated it was fabulous! After seeing the menu online, I was pretty excited to go.
We were seated by this young guy named Brett. He seemed pretty nice.
The craziness started when we were waiting for our food for over 30 minutes. How hard is it to make 2 burgers and 2 sandwiches? They didn’t even bring out our appetizers at this time. My friend David started to get annoyed and kept saying «I’m hungry! Where’s my food?» I think the manager finally heard him and came over to say «Sorry guys, should be out in about 4 more minutes.» I have no idea his concept of time because it took like almost another 10 minutes!
We finally got our food and it was all wrong! My friend David & I ordered from the lunch menu, $ 7 including a drink. What a deal right? I ordered a Guacamole BLT and as soon as Brett brought it out I saw black stuff poking out on the side. My friend, David, ordered a hamburger, but got a cheese burger. My friends, Hattie, order an Avocado Grilled Cheese and got a BLT. Luckily the only friends’ order was fine. The waiter didn’t even bother to look at the food when he dropped it off. When he finally came back David told him that he ordered no cheese. Brett just said «Oh, I’m sorry.» Then David asked, «Umm, are you going to get me a new one?» Brett replied, «Oh did you want a new one?» Considering that my friend is lactose intolerant, of course he’d need a new one. I then confirmed the black stuff on my BLT was burnt bacon and asked for them to remake that too. Hattie had burnt bacon on her BLT as well, but just ate it since she was so hungry by then, she also didn’t say that that was not what she ordered.
The manager brought out David’s and my food. The sandwich was so good, but it could have been since I was so freaking hungry by this point. We all then noticed we were out of drinks and Brett was out of sight. We started to slurp on our empty drinks to get Brett’s attention, but instead the manager came over and said, «Does that mean that you need more?» Uhhh duh!
Later Brett comes to the table to finally check on us. He then says to David. «I learned something new today. When people order a burger it automatically comes with cheese and when someone doesn’t want cheese you have to manually enter ‘no cheese.’» Wow, really? Who would have thought?
By now I’m really hoping to all least get 50% knocked off our meal and the manager could tell that we were annoyed and came by to say «I’ll knock a couple bucks off your bill.»
So now were waiting for our bill which also took forever! Once we got our bill, the manager didn’t knock off anything and somehow we were charged for the drinks that were included in our meal. David tried to get Brett’s attention and said as soon as Brett looked at us, «Excuse me, I have a question?» Only for Brett to walk past us. I had to ask the manager why we were charged for the drinks. He said he would take care of it. When he came back he said, «Let me explain this receipt to you.» Like I’m stupid? So anyways, he basically wrote off $ 9 like that is concerned good enough for the awful time we had there.
I’m disappointed! I would have loved to go back to eat their fried pickles and sandwiches, but thanks to this horrible experience, I will never go back!

Wait, are there really only two other reviews of this place? That is nonsense that should be remedied, because this is an all-​around fun establishment. We went for a friend’s birthday party, and here’s a quick list of rad things I dug about it:
— They take reservations. When you’re trying to plan a dinner for a large group of people and hate waiting in lines (who has an hour to stand around jockeying for position while slowly starving to death waiting for a meal? not me.), this is a godsend.
— Fun, sugary decadent drinks, fun drink names.
— Fun food, fun food names (Buffy burger! OM NOM NOM!)
— Trivia run by drag queens.
— Friendly service. No ‘tude.
— Definitely good for groups.
I rarely find myself in Old Town, but I wouldn’t hesitate to go back here for noms and funsies.

Aight, I like this place. I’ve been here once for HH and twice for brunch — and can surely see myself returning again ‘n’ again.
Hamburger Mary’s is.odd. There’s not a great description for what it is, but it’s definitely a fun place to come and there’s almost always something going on. IE when I came here for a UYE, there was draq queen bingo that what hilarious to watch. And then there’s Rhinestone and Rehab during their Sunday brunch. Plus, looking at their event calendar you’re always going to find SOMETHING to do here that is good times.
Foodwise, it’s a mix. They have a menu that’s overwhelming as heck and it takes awhile to figure out just what you want. Their happy hour is the best bet — and there’s lots of fried tastys to nosh on (my fav was the mac & cheese bites). Plus the happy hour is a FULL happy hour with food and drink specials. I do note that sometimes my companions weren’t OMG the food is super duper. Just depends on what you get.
When I went for bruch, I got a brunch item that absolutely escapes me which indicates I wasn’t very whelmed by it. What I do like is the $ 9 bottomless mimosas that pour freely — and I mean freely. You’ll have to hide your glass at a certain point if you’re all done drinkin’ cause these servers make sure you’re always topped off. The second time I came for brunch, I went with a tasty chicken sandwich and fries and thoroughly enjoyed both. And the mimosas again. I enjoyed my floaty MAX ride home indeed.
Service has been nothing but polite & prompt. So, overall, considering the entertainment, HH, and such — it’s four stars for me.

Holy Margarita Batman!
We went here to celebrate our 7^th anniversary. Being still new to Portland, we heard this was a must to experience, now we know why.
I chose this place because on Mondays after 6pm, if you order one of their burgers you get FREE BEER! Have you ever heard any other nicer words?
We started off the night with a free slider burger (there was a coupon in the Portland Mercury) and 2 of the Happy Hour Margaritas. Alejo, our bartender, was so nice. He went over all the specials, how their Happy Hour and daily specials work. He gave us a couple of GREAT recommendations on the burgers.
I got the Buffy burger with the black bean patty. Talk about flavors! That garlic/​wine sauce was fantastic. The patty was «meaty» with out trying to be meat.
My other half got the Proud Mary with the Kobe burger. It was tender, juicy and just down right DELICIOUS!!!
Now for the best part of the evening… THE MARGARITAS!!! If you have never been here at Happy Hour, you need to! $ 5 for a giant rita… do I really need to say anymore?!

Mary, Mary quite contrary… how does your garden grow? With silver bells, $ 1 Wells, and pretty drag queens all in a row.
This pretty much sums up how the weekend went.
Friend: Let’s go to Diva Hour!
Me: What is this Diva Hour you speak of?
Friend: It’s at Hamburger Marys… it’s pretty epic.
Me: Epic huh… like are the drinks good?
Friend: Um, they are only $ 1…sooo…does it matter?
Me: Nope! (already headed to car…)
Hamburger Mary’s I salute you. Your flashy décor, flashy queens, and friggin amazing drink offers– you can’t go wrong with this place. Diva Hour 11pm-​12am on Fri/​Sat. $ 1 Wells + entertainment + .50 cent jello shots and loud music = drunken good times… or a recipe for disaster? Nahhhh
Even if you can’t make it to Diva Hour — Hamburger Mary’s has events going on all throughout the day AND their menu is not too shabby.
Drinks? Although I can’t vouch for anything other than their well drinks at this point, I can say the drink menu is large and CHEAP! All of the drinks are priced well for the downtown area. The place isn’t super huge, and does get a tad crowded… but it’s fun!

I’ve been three times … First two … Food was «ok» (read «I enjoyed the company and it was nice to eat with friends»)
Last time … A small group, non demanding, and FEW other patrons in the restaurant. Ordered a burger with chili and upped to onion rings. Rings Very crispy and. Room temp. Cold Really. Burger. Patty — room temp. Chili — room temp. Tasteless. Over priced drinks. Slow service. I would have sent things back but was there for a friends birthday and didn’t want to distract from his choice, his day. Never again. I support gay businesses … As long as I at least get a return for my dollar. For what I paid for three of us, I feel like it was the worst value for a meal EVER. Will not go back. Third strike. Sorry.

Drunk and fun.
I could leave my review at that, but it wouldn’t be very elucidating of me. It would be accurate, though.
Mary’s is a classic hamburger and bar chain that serves up a plethora of hamburgers and deep fried items in ridiculously large portions across from drinks the size of my head. Mary’s makes no bones about serving items such as fried mac and cheese alongside a martini built for two (but served to one). And with drinks like the «Bossy Bottom» and «Spread Eagle» on the happy hour menu, you know what you’re ordering now may turn into some bad decisions later.
The space is large and deep, with a ton of seating and a decent size front bar area. It’s got that classic old town feel with lots of exposed brick. The décor reminds me of a worn down gay sports bar. The staff rock the spot — super friendly, plenty sassy and in good at what they do. The couple of times I’ve been in they’ve taken great care of me and the groups I have been with.
The drinks and the food are tasty — about what you’d expect for a chain, maybe a little better. Most of the food is indulgent, and great for soaking up the strong, sweet concoctions coming from the bar. In a city like Portland they’re not going to be winning any chef competitions, but that’s not even what this place is about. It’s a safe place for folks of any stripe to come and have a rad time getting lit (and high on sugar) off of giant drinks and scarfing down sinful fried cheese and giant burger/​fries combos.
Know what to expect when you come in and you’ll have a grand old time.

I had a pretty good time here on a recent trip to Portland. Accidentally checking into a nearby strip club with a similar name, I later realized (thanks to friends laughing at me on FB) that I checked into the wrong place. The reality is, I came here and had a lovely drink with a friend.
After spending much of the night eating and drinking, it was obvious we needed to keep eating and drinking! My friend says to me, «Hey — I need some deep fried mac n cheese. You in?» So I follow him to Hamburger Mary’s and we eat some seriously yummy food while sucking down a massive blue cocktail served up in what I can only describe as a fishbowl sized cup.
The server was incredibly attentive and funny as we enjoyed a lovely conversation with him each time he visited our table. This is definitely a spot I’ll consider visiting when I’m back in town. A little divey but fun. Also great for groups. The worst person I encountered here all night was a fellow Seattleite. Doh!

I love Pecker.
Really, it’s my favorite John Waters movie. In it, Martha Plimpton’s character yells at the director of the Whitney Museum, «Hey, Mary! I work in a gay bar in Baltimore! I call everyone Mary!» And she does, too. Sometimes I need to remind myself that just because it happens in a John Waters movie… that doesn’t mean one should do it in real life. By «sometimes», I mean «always».
But if there’s one place you might pull this off without being slapped, it’s Hamburger Mary’s.
I give major kudos to our server and the other helpers who took care of our large birthday party we had there, from helping us plot the surprise right down to the final bill handed over ceremoniously in a stiletto shoe. No beat was missed, no fried pickle unturned, no sassy joke left hanging, and no cleverly-​named cocktail un-​refilled.
I’ll tell ya right now, Mary, we spent a pretty penny start to finish on those damn drinks and the most junkiest of junky food you can wrap your pretty little head around. Not that it’s expensive (it’s totally average), but we were all so enamored with our cheeky server, he slipped in about 12 additional appetizers and drinks, and we certainly weren’t gonna talk back.
This is junk food for real. I made what seemed the healthiest choice, a house-​made black bean burger, but I was surrounded on all sides by deep-​fried [insert name of anything edible you can think of], burgers topped with crazy add-​ons like Mac ‘n Cheese, bowls of ranch, and cocktails with names like «Pop-​Ur-​Cherry», «Hoochie Coochie», and «Fuzzy Teabag».
…which could lead me into another Pecker reference, obviously. You didn’t think I could leave that alone, did you? Stay tuned til the end, Mary.
After dinner had run it’s course (s), we headed to fill up the bar area, a DJ showed up, and it was all Pants Off Dance Off after that. The drinks aren’t super cheap, but they have tons of specials, like $ 3 Long Islands on Saturdays, Margarita Mondays, Happy Hour, Tini-​Tuesday, Sunday Mimosas, and more. There is a special every day of the week. Everyone loved their food — huge burgers, salads, pastas, generally naughty bar snacks, topped off with more deep fried whatnots. I took a fair amount of sass from our awesome waiter for not eating any of the naughty foods but I made up for that with cocktail consumption, and he said he appreciated my commitment. Also, we may or may not have exchanged some very inappropriate jokes before we got outta his hair for the night.
This place is about one stripper and a few crotch shots of being like the bar in Pecker, but with seemingly way better food and service. Plus, you just might get called «Mary»… if you’re lucky. Just remember the rules, though:
(this clip from Pecker only slightly NSFW).

HM’s is a smallish ‘national’ chain, been around for quite awhile, not sure really where they started, and couldn’t get any information from their headquarters home page, as my computer says «this site may be the home of malware.» Well, we don’t want that, do we?
A bar/​restaurant targeted towards a gay audience, HM’s is open in about ten cities across the US, and is currently seeking new franchisees. They have just reopened in Portland, and I say «reopened» because apparently they were here years ago, and closed. The new joint has new owners, and is in the heart of Old Town, on 5^th, just off Burnside.
They have a limited menu of burgers, salads, and a few sandwiches, tho the menus at HM’s vary by location. Some locations offer complete meals, some offer pizza, some Sunday brunch, but burgers seem to be at the core of each location.
I visited on Monday, at noon «straight up» (har har), and in addition to me, there was a table of two diners, and a group of about 20 people at another table, like an office outing or some such. When I saw the large group, and that there was a waiter hovering at that table, I quickly grabbed another waiter, scanned the menu quickly (tho I knew in advance what I would probably want) and ordered, instructing the server to «please get my order in before that large table!» We both laughed, although her’s may have been a little forced. People, and especially Mrs. BurgerDogBoy, say I can be a little intimidating at times. WTF? Moi?
I ordered the «Black and Blue» burger, which, like at most establishments that offer a product by the same name, is a burger dusted with Cajun blackened seasoning, and dotted with blue cheese or blue cheese dressing on top. HM’s also had a couple of strips of bacon, shredded lettuce, and a couple of pickle chips.
I upgraded the included side to onion rings, a very respectable-​sized order and a good value at a buck more. The burger is a half-​pound, not hand formed, but good flavor in its own right. There appeared to be very little shrinkage, meaning you are biting into a lean cut. I would describe the grind as «medium», not too coarse, not too fine, which is the way I personally prefer.
I really liked the blue cheese topping/​dressing. Too often restaurants skip on this by just slathering some running salad dressing on the patty, but HM’s had a smooth dressing with ample chunks of real blue in it.
I personally would have liked more pickles, but that’s just me. The roll is soft and fresh, maybe not quite firm enough to hold a burger and toppings of this weight. Lettuce is shredded.
The onion rings were very good, thick cut, a nice breading. My order was a tad overcooked, so the crunch factor was fairly severe. But they are good. Ketchup and mustard are on the table.
Will I return? Sure. Will it be a destination for me? We shall see. There are a lot of burger choices in the Old Town area, and I’ve tried most of them. Hamburger Mary’s is an strong competitor, and tops almost all the other choices, with the possible only exception being «C Burger’, however they seem to be having trouble figuring out their hours and days.
So ends Monday lunch. Oh, after thought. Mary’s is one of those places where you find a giant sharp instrument stuck plunged deep into the burger. These usually puzzles me. Today I thought it was kind of Freudian. LOL