Jamie B.’s Full-Service Massage Parlor and Smoothies

Best rub n’ smoothie I’ve had in town. If this was a franchise, there would be more of them. Complimentary coat check and they accept Diner’s Club, so that’s a win-​win. Plus they validate parking and serve flambée. ‘Nuff said.

Im not sure who deleted my reviews… but Im still open for business… I love you guys!

This is with out a doubt the BEST «smoothie» ever.
TEN stars, not five.
I wonder if there are franchises available?
What a concept.
Heres a tip: Be sure to order the ‘Happy Ending.’

apparently she doesn’t «do» chicks…
…FUCing bitch!
But she IS hot…

TOTAL RIP-​OFF! Avoid this full-​service massage parlor and smoothie shop!
So Jamie B. claims she’ll give a full service massage to any Elite Unilocaler who shows up with a pack of watermelon Hubba Bubba. I’m game. I found 98 cents under the couch cushions, and one private Unilocal message later, I was headed for the Citgo station and on to full-​service satisfaction.
Or so I thought. I should have been concerned when she asked me to meet her at the Funky Monkey. Turns out she freaking loves the place and gets comped by the owner all the time, ever since her reviews brought the masses in to «taste the controversy.» [Update: it tastes undercooked.] Jamie B stood up from her corner table in the back – the one next to the cigarette machine – and led me outside.
Whether the City of Orlando allows a converted ice-​cream truck to serve as a full-​service massage parlor and smoothie shop is anyone’s guess. All I know is, I saw health department violations a-​plenty as I settled into the cracked hot-​pink Leatherette of her massage chair. Thing is, it’s one of those normal massage chairs – do you have any idea how hard it is to lie in one of those FACE UP? Jamie B certainly didn’t seem to care, as she reached under the counter and pulled out a jug of canola oil, which had – scrawled across the label, in magic marker – the word «LUBE.»
So Jamie asks did you bring the Hubba Bubba and I answer yes I brought the Hubba Bubba and she says I want it now and I say half now half when I’m satisfied and she says okay and I pull it out.
(The Hubba Bubba.)
And now she’s decided she wants grape! We had watermelon IN WRITING, and I’m tightening my belt and pulling out my iPhone to show her our binding electronically-​transmited contract when my belt buckle falls into the hot fudge pot (massage? smoothies? anyone’s guess.) and as I grab for it, my iPhone falls into a blender and it turns on. Only it’s not your average blender, but one of those monster Will It Blend Blenders, and goddamn it, it will.
I turned to scream at Jamie B., but she’s already strapping on her skates for a fight. It’s impressive to watch a girl with three fingers on one hand, the good one (I did mention that, right?), lace up a pair of speed skates. But I didn’t stay around to watch… I did a tuck-​and-​roll out onto OBT (wait, who was driving?!) and lugged unsatisfied manhood and Hubba Bubba home.
–UPDATE–
I came back today for a smoothie. It was delicious.