7-Eleven

Ok, I’m going to teach you all a little secret about culinary adventures, so listen up now. There’s no excuse to not act like you’re Andrew Freakin’ Zimmerman, gettin’ your Bizarre Foods on, just because you’re crazy broke. I haven’t had steady employment in two years, but I run a food blog and I maintain a concerning liquor buzz at most times, so I’d go ahead and just take this advice as gospel.
A lot of people think, «Oh, I’ve been to a 7-​Eleven before, and they’re all alike.» These people are wrong and should not be trusted. The 7-​Eleven at 3440 Market St. has a quirky charm that’s just completely absent in most other convenience stores. They’ve got ranch Corn Nuts and Mountain Dew Slurpees and White Cheddar Cheez-It’s and Reduced Fat Cheez-It’s and stale hard pretzels — sure. These are the things all consumers have come to expect. BUT, if you’re belligerent enough, you can actually access a secret menu only at this location.
Sometimes, I like to come in and demand a «Big Hawaiian Mama Hot Dog — Animal Style.» At first, the workers will pretend to be confused, even maybe a bit concerned about your mental health. But, if you repeat this request with enough vigor, what do they do? They throw some damn nacho cheese and raw onion on a buffalo chicken taquito in a hot dog bun. Put a smile on your face, buddy, because you earned that.
Don’t want the Big Hawaiian Mama (Animal Style)? Try yelling «Garbage Fire Frappucino» until you whip these cashiers into action. Many people think that Frappucino is a term trademarked by Starbucks. Many people are so very dumb. The Garbage Fire Frappucino is a blue raspberry Slurpee mixed with half-​and-​half and most of a bag of Bugles. It’s almost undrinkable, but you’re going to be racking in so many likes on Instagram that you won’t even care. You’re a foodie insider now, act like it.
Not interested in the Secret Menu at 3440 Market St? Then delete my number and block me on here just like Nancy did last year. I’ll still contact you on LinkedIn regularly, Nancy. You can’t get rid of me.

We got the pizza and it was okay. Some of the slices were really hard and I couldn’t even bite the crust. Others had a somewhat funky taste that was off-​putting. But hey, it’s convenient as hell so it has that working for it. Slurpees are da bomb!