The Artesian Well

Hit and miss music, pricey drinks and a pretentious crowd of creepy men make this one you can give a miss and not lose any sleep over.

I went to this establishment last night for a friends birthday, there was probably around twenty of us in our group.
For the size of the establishment I think the £10.00 price tag is a bit much when you consider the other establishments in the area. £5.00 would be more than enough.
I was having an enjoyable time on the second floor with the rest of our group, that was until I went to the loo which is to the immediate left of the second floor doors and had to walk passed the bouncer to get there.
Upon entering the loo I found one of my friend there using the facilities, we exited the loos and I decided to have a quick look upstairs as I had never been to this club before I wanted to see what it was like. I was literally gone perhaps ten seconds and could see that it was completely dead up there, i.e. there was maybe 10 people up there.
Upon trying to get back to the rest of my group the bouncer wouldn’t let my friend and I back into the room as firstly he said it was full and then he said that we were never on this floor despite the fact that he clearly saw us go to the loo. He insisted that we go upstairs despite the fact the we told him that we are in a group of twenty for are friends birthday, our friends we maybe ten feet away so you could clearly see we were in a group.
What made this situation more infuriating is that this bouncer whilst stopping us going in was letting women go in, he must have let in a good thirty women in the time we were waiting.
Now if it were just my friend and I we would have gone upstairs because honestly as we all know it isn’t worth arguing with bouncers but we couldn’t as all of our friends were on the second floor.
One girl, who the bouncer let in, asked him why he was letting all the women in but not us, this turned into an arguement with her, things escalated and he threw her out.
The bouncer then came back and threw my friend and I out, using unreasonable and unnecessary force, he was literally trying to restrain my arms and push me down the stairs, whilst he was doing this I held up my open hands and said aloud so that the other employees and customers could see that I wasn’t being at all aggressive and repeatedly said aloud ‘this bouncer is using unnecessary force and has no legal right to touch me.‘
When we got outside my friend was understandably furious but I told him to cool down and we will do this properly. I asked for an official complaints form. The manager came out and he was very cool and collected and we explained the situation to him. He apologised and had the bouncer sent home.
He actually said to the bouncer ‘what are you doing?’ to which the bouncer made some cock and bull story up. My friend and I were completely sober so we easily picked the nonsense he was saying apart. I told the manager that all he had to do was watch the video camera footage to see that we were right, though presumable he had seen us live on the monitors.
On his way out the bouncer called the c word and tried to elbow me in the chest, he missed.
The manager let us back in and the new bouncer on the door was absolutely pleasant, as were all the other bouncers.
I’m just so disappointed that what should have been a great night was completely ruined but an unprofessional, sexist, arrogant and aggressive bouncer.
Our entire group have decided to permanently boycott this place. If the owner is reading this and would like to know which bouncer it was please feel free to check the video footage from around 0100 19^th August 2012.

Nice place for a few drinks. Young professional crowd, drinks priced accordingly. The mojito is nice.

Great décor, decently made and priced drinks, intriguing shooters, terrible management attitude
I headed down here for one of my best friend’s bday with great expectations as I had heard only good things. In hindsight, that should have been a warning! The décor is really cool and I quite enjoyed the feel of the place when we got there.
Without making this a rant, just want to note that management there doesn’t really seem to care too much about your experience beyond that you buy drinks. The bouncers, however, are more concerned you have a good time which is a pleasant change from usual.
In general the drinks menu was fairly limited but the service was quick and efficient at the bar. They have six different shooters which are 10 squids for 6. They aren’t too strong but tasty so good for a group. Otherwise, there is a full bar so you can expect to get your usual libations. Single mix drinks (ie vodka tonic) will run about 4.50 and a double up to 7.50.
Note that this place gets absolutely packed. With a fiver as cover after 10, people queue up and the front of house will pack as many in as possible. The upstairs becomes almost impossible to dance in and you can only carve out some space downstairs if you are in a group and a little more aggressive.
Music was good, easy to dance to, and the DJ takes requests if you ask nicely. The speakers will overheat and shut down for a few seconds every 10 mins or so which is odd for a club to not sort out immediately.
Overall, it’s an okay place to go out but to echo earlier reviews, more a place where the people you’re with matter more than the place itself.

Artesian Well… meh.
Rocked up here for a birthday party — they’d reserved an area downstairs. So the company was good, the drinks were flowing but it all still felt a little lifeless earlier in the night. That all changed after midnight though!
It got ridiculously busy and there was even a queue to get into the upstairs section… this after hasving queued to get in to begin with? Some keen characters come here.
I really liked the décor — strange sculputres and wall art. It makes the blurry memories I have from this night a little more interesting…
I’ll go back… maybe.

This bar goes out of its way to cater for those who should be old enough to know better, but are clinging on to the illusion of their youth, or looking to pick up some along the way. It’s position suggests that most of the clientèle are those who couldn’t be bothered to queue for Lost Society next door.
The bouncers are strict, the venue is hugely over-​packed, and if you’re looking for decent music, look elsewhere. The succession of bland remixes of nineties commercial hits blend into each other without much notice and show the Hey, I know this song! They used to play this when I was younger! market that the place is aimed at.
The décor is tacky, with badly painted murals blending with plastic monstrosities that harks more to a fairground haunted house than the Greek indulgence it strives for.
The atmosphere is not particularly friendly, with most people there with a one track pull motive and with more than enough Dutch courage to believe they’re irresistible.
Though maybe what I’ve written appeals to some, no doubt it does as the place gets very busy, but these part way bar /​clubs do nothing but leave a bad taste with me.

Artesian Well in Clapham is an interesting venue with two completely different floors. It’s reminiscent of heaven and hell, with upstairs a light menagerie of mirrors and windows, and downstairs a warm, red theme with a large fireplace towards the back. The Eastern European staff are very capable and friendly, though with a nice open-​plan bar it’s a pity there is not much focus is given to artful drink mixing.
It turns out that Rudy Weller, an acclaimed sculptor is the artist who was commissioned to transform this club into a ‘wow factor’ venue for parties both weird and wonderful. However, the cocktail menus are very tatty and a sore sight in such pleasant surroundings. At least the bouncers are extremely friendly: I almost fell over when one offered to take my phone to give a friend some directions.

If you’re looking for a sweat fest on a Friday night in the Battersea area, then look no further. Cramming us in until we’re floating on air, the artesian well is a long-​established haunt of the recently-​left-​university-​and-​now-​living-​in-​Clapham crowd, eager to drink, flirt, and pretend we’ve got more money than we do. Which is ok at this venue, because it don’t cost a bomb.
Two levels to party on, with a balcony upstairs to leer at those downstairs, it must be said that it is a million miles from infernos in class, and a much better night out.