Coffee Monkey

Needed the tea desperately. This place tries but misses out on the details. And details really do matter. I cringed when I saw the server plop unwashed mint straight from a sainsburys herb bag. At £2.50 you expect your tea to be a little bit less… unsavoury. Additionally, perhaps the servers were having a bad day but there was an air of nervous, palpable energy which translated into really surly behaviour. Again, I hope it was just a tough day but little-​big things go matter :)

Eeeeps, no thanks. I’d rather just NOT have coffee.
This place does one thing well. It exists on the corner between the East Croydon rail station and the UK Home Office for Immigration. They know this too — their sign even proclaims «last coffee before the Home Office!» Well, there you have it.
On my first visit (May 2014) I had an «iced coffee» (it was a warm day!) and the milk was most definitely off. After spending 5 hours at the Home Office with a 3 month old baby… I needed a coffee, not a cup of spoiled milk. Ew. The service was curt (they were closing… early). I didn’t even bother letting them know as I was done with British bureaucracy for the day.
Ok, so I tried to forgive and forget. On our next trip to the Home Office (October 2014) we stopped back in to Coffee Monkey as we’d turned up a bit early for our excursion to Croydon. It was 10am and the entire place was covered in dishes. Weird. We had two coffees. They were OK, but not great.
The food in the cases looks very sad and unappealing. The staff isn’t very friendly. The décor is black pleather couches and all the windows look like they need a good scrubbing.
I’m just not interested in this place. If you are going to the Home Office, be advised there is a Costa Coffee in the waiting area. I’m not usually a Costa fan but in this case, it’s the better option.
Perks:
*free wifi
*large space
*location
Cons:
*everything else.

Definitely the top independent café in vicinity of the Home Office, though that’s about as backhanded a compliment as I can give.
I am appreciative that Coffee Monkey tries. I am saddened that it also just fails a little.
Marketing signage: Really welcoming and cute, but misspells «Lunar House» (home of the Home Office) as «Luna House.» On all of its signs. And «Sumptious Foods?» Details matter, people!
Monkey Special fresh mint, lemon, honey tea: Tasty, but I’m trying not to think about the fact that I watched the server pluck the tea out of the Sainsbury’s herb packaging… without washing it.
Décor: Something. Not sure what thing. Okay, many things: Cute monkey pictures, pro-​tea and coffee newspaper clippings, ship-​inspired partition wall, Viking-​esque door handles, and stained glass because why not just throw that in there?
Amaretti: Nice that they have these Italian specialties in their impulse buys area near the cash register, but the first one I grabbed out had a ripped wrapper. Awkward.
That overwhelming lingering ketchup smell: As unappealing as it is odd. But I’ve gotten used to it. Definitely beats going to the grim shopping center across the street.
Service: My server did not seem like a happy camper. Must be that ketchup smell getting her down.
I was up for trying Coffee Monkey’s aubergine, artichoke, and avocado sandwich, but they were all out by 2.45pm, which is reasonable enough. But I don’t think I’ll make the trip back down to West Croydon just to get it.