The Christian Broadcasting Network

I must admit– at first I was shocked upon seeing the rating of CBN on Unilocal.I myself have never spoken to anyone who didn’t love and support the teachings, news, stories and ministry outreaches provided by CBN. In writing this review I think it’s important for the reader to understand that am coming from a place of experience with this organization. I am writing from a place of truth. I am someone who has not only watched CBN for years but, am a financial supporter of their organization through varied ministry outreaches. Because of my first hand affiliation and experience with this organization I can attest to the truth that this organization is operating with complete integrity.
CBN had strict financial accountability at the forefront of their ministry and the percentage of donations that go directly to these outreaches minus administrative costs is amazing. Most, if not all donations are in the 90 percentile. If you are someone who knows about the finances regarding ministries you will know this is not only impressive but highly desirable to those who joyfully partner with Christian organizations to help others. These organizations are the hands and feet of Jesus Christ, often first responders and CBN is most certainly counted among them. The organization has grown and prospered because of the blessing and favor of God for the integrity of the good work they do; and it bears mentioning that the magnitude of that work is beyond comprehension for many of us who rarely have opportunity to leave our own little corner of the world. CBN helps, distributes too and blesses people all over the world and they do it for no other reason than the love of Jesus Christ.
CBN thank you for all you do to bless and help so many, we could not do it without you!

Very few people walk the talk in today’s world. Not only does CBN provide an insightful look into today’s events, but they bring the joy if Christ’s message both in word and deed. The charities associated with CBN are highly rated and have helped so many it is staggering.

I love television more than anyone should. I love it more than Abed from Community does. I love it more than Kenneth Parcell from 30 Rock does. I love it more than Mike Teavee from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory does. I love it more than Mary Katherine Gallagher does.
If you do not immediately know these references, then I’m sorry for you.
So for this, my 700^th review, I assess the Christian Broadcasting Network’s crown jewel, The 700 Club. Oh, yes.
Now, I’m not here to analyze the boatload of real-​life political drama these people have caused. Hysteria. Hate speech. Attempted brainwashing. Crooked advertising deals. Dirty lobbying in our nation’s capital.
Nope.
I’m here for the entertainment.
First off, this show has been around since 1966. Try and think of another series that is still alive and kicking at a similar viewership level. Think, think, think. Stumped? Good. Now try to remember the original host. Give up? I’ll tell you: that endlessly fascinating asshole, Jim Bakker and his lovely wife, Tammy Faye*. Oh, yes.
In its early days, it was really more of a variety show, nightime, with music, guests, and lotsa prayin’. That sh*t makes for excellent TV, people, and you know it. In 1974, it went to national syndication, and within three years, was airing three times daily on CBN’s own network, in over 100 markets.
When Bakker got tubed by Pat Robertson, that’s when the real drama started, and olé Patsy continued to shock the sh*t out of anyone not on board with CBN’s ultra conservative agenda. I remember this show being on in our home frequently in the 1980s and even then being like, «WTF.»
Fast forward to 9/​11, Hurricane Katrina, and the Haiti earthquake, and this show went effing bananas. Yet: viewership stronger than ever. This is what happens on television when you say God murdered people. It’s like a circular, never-​ending plot line that won’t lose steam as long as they’re on the air. Too much money to get shut down. Even George W. Bush said they took it too far. Dubya!
But, 360 million people watch this show in 100 languages. That is simply amazing. There is no other show, ever, that big.
If you get super bored on a weekday and/​or lose your remote, I dare you to watch this show for more than five minutes without feeling The Rage. And that’s what good television does. I suggest you just pretend it’s all fiction, instead of just 90% fiction, to choke it down. Get the popcorn and a big bottle of gin ready if you think you can commit to a full hour. Don’t even get me started on how many snacks are needed to make it thru a telethon.
In conclusion: there’s a lot of really, really messed up stuff on TV. Trust me, I’ve seen it all. And yet this show remains, amazingly, one of the most successful television ventures of all time. Depressed? Don’t be. Just watch this:
for reassurance that people CAN actually redeem themselves. *I call her Saint Tammy.
Happy watching, godspeed, and good day.

I am of the firm conviction that anyone who believes that a devastating natural disaster that kills thousands of already disadvantaged people is God’s way letting us know he’s pissed… well, that’s the kind of person that probably shouldn’t be on mass-​market TV, but instead should be standing on an overturned fruit crate under a bridge covered in dirt and screaming at passers by to «repent.» Yet for some reason, CBN continues to air the 700 club, as it has every morning since 1966*, with Pat Robertson as lead sociopath (err, I mean Anchor). For that, my goodly friends… for that un-​deniably non-​christian ethos, the CBN earns a lowly 1 star. Pat, maybe this one star is god’s subtle way of telling you that you’re full of shit.
The 700 Club — and CBN — an ample subject for my 700^th review.
I’ve seen snippets, segments, and bits and pieces of CBN broadcasting for years… really throughout my life. In fact, it reaches 95%* of US television markets! It’s always been a very bewildering phenomena to me that this many people watch the CBN. I guess Mao was right — religion is truly the opiate of the masses.
Broadcasting from its ultra-​luxe environs in sunny Virginia Beach, VA, the CBN spreads it’s mixed (and often contradictory) message of love, hate, and good old fashioned judgment 24-​hours per day on several channels including En Español! In fact, from the looks of the photo on the website, I’d say those gilded CBN offices would rival even a Billy Graham-​style TBN studio! Where’d all that cash come from, anyway? Oh right, Jesus advocated an opulent lifestyle. I forgot.
…but I digress.
One thing I can say, and this is for sure: nothing hurt me more on Sunday mornings as a kid than when my cartoons would get interrupted by some old angry white men thanking god for what they perceived as him punishing the heathens in between telling us how to lead our lives and who to pray for. As I’ve grown over the years, I’ve occasionally tuned in to witness the sideshow of wonders and blunders that take place on the 700 Club each and every morning. It would be a thoroughly entertaining comedy of errors were it not so frustrating and maddening. This is not a knock on Christianity. Oh no. It’s merely a condemnation of the CBN’s misguided and skewed version of it that they broadcast every day.
Overall, I find the programming from CBN to be contrived at best, and dangerous at worst. If there is anything single-​handedly dumbing down huge swaths of the American populace (at least outside of reality television), it would absolutely have to be the CBN programming lineup. While I have tried to accept these shows at face value, it’s simply too preposterous for me to even begin to take seriously. It’s so obvious that this is beyond even entertainment. It’s sheer subterfuge for ulterior motives, none of which seem to jive with the actual tenets of any honest religion, especially Christianity.
So for failing to broadcast anything worth watching ever, and for going above and beyond the call of duty by broadcasting actual hate and vitriol, I give: One. Golden. Star.
And in case anyone’s wondering, I’d rather not be a part of The Club.
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(*according to the website)