Ted Cruz

Ted is a sleazy, sweat-​soiled, unscrupulous and opportunistic con-​artist squeezed into a nice suit, who overstayed his used car sales internship work visa, then somehow managed to sell a sufficient number of gullible, slack-​jawed, gun-​humping locals on the laughable proposition that his foray into politics was borne by some selfless and benevolent devotion to God, Country or Constitution. Texas is among an elite group of about 4 states challenged enough not to have laughed this carnival-​barking, pretend-​Christian clown right off the ballot. Thankfully, the rest of the nation sees right through his bullshit flag lapel pin-​patriotism and blatant, disgraceful pandering to the lowest common denominator, which is why his political career is unlikely to advance beyond his current position as yet another two-​bit, hateful and divisive, ego-​fueled, raving legislative wingnut from Texas, whose Dr. Seuss readings and faux-​outraged, podium-​banging, self-​congratulatory theatrical antics we’ll all simply have to endure for a few more years.
Cruz is the Uncle Clarence Thomas of the hispanic community, smugly pissing from the third-​floor balcony of his mission-​style mansion down upon his betrayed brethren working the fields, all the while cashing in on a name which offers both him and his teabagging cohorts some desperately-​needed plausible deniability against charges of xenophobia and bigotry.
And while his IQ may dwarf most… and no one can say he lacks ambition, the same could be said for Al Capone and the Unabomber. His intelligence and drive (not to mention his and his loony, puppeteering dad’s absolutely bizarre, cult-​like religious beliefs) make him more of a threat to America than the short-​bus parade of simple harmless, bobble-​headed idiots Texas gifts to DC such as Louie Gohmert.
This said, Rafael will undoubtedly be offered a nice long career with fellow frauds at Fox News after he is revealed for the unmitigated charlatan he is, to follow in the hallowed mama bear footsteps of friend and mentor, the «Matron Mountebank», Sarah Palin. One can only hope that by then the snake oil he is peddling will have inflicted no irreparable harm on our great nation.

If you’re looking for an uncannily familiar yet shockingly out of place brill cream shiny throwback, you need look no further than Senator Ted Cruz.
Slightly puffy and glistening with an unhealthy sheen of good old-​timey face sweat fueled by a seething undercurrent of racism, Ted Cruz is like hopping in a tail-​finned Disneyland theme ride right into the politics of the early 1960’s.
He may be an unpredictable time bomb of righteous rage and inarticulate pseudo-​patriotism but underneath that he’s exactly the sort of disingenuous, self-​serving, power hungry, money grubber that you’ve come to expect from your politicians on both sides of the aisle.
In spite of this reliably corrupt core, Ted Cruz is anything but boring on the surface. He’s a spicy and delightful wrecking ball who seems to have sensed that a somewhat dumpy Canadian’s best chance at political power in the United States right now is to grab the insanely myopic mantle of the Tea Party and drape it around his naked body as he wanders Washington screaming at anyone who will listen and even those who won’t.
Sure there’s a chance that American democracy might not survive him but it’s a hell of a tasty and exciting drop to the deep, dark bottom of history. If you loved Idiocracy, you’ll really love Ted Cruz.