I was on my way to a different Spa and got a bit lost — boy was that the best thing that ever happened to me! As I was attempting to navigate my way to my intended destination I saw a sign for what seemed to be your typical neck of the woods spa. Since some relaxing spa time was on the agenda for the day I decided, what the hell, let’s check this place out. My first impression was, OK, nothing special. That thought quickly came to an end when I was greeted by the valet. He was a wonderful gentleman, and graciously took my car and brought in my luggage. Although he seemed to be blindingly drunk, he was absolutely delightful and pleasant if not a bit disoriented. Once inside you are greeted with trays of Beluga caviar to the sound of «Saldat» emanating from the speakers(On infinite loop) — before even checking in mind you. A wonderful Eastern European lady some might refer to as «off the boat» kindly leads you to reception where you begin to plan your stay. I decided to go for the«Platinum» package. This included a 2 hour massage(Happy ending optional), a 24 hour marathon of a live on-stage opera performed by the staff called«Brigada», and the option to pass out anywhere on the property at no extra charge. One thing that sets this Spa way above the others is their attention to detail. Ordinarily you have to trudge around in some sorry terry cloth robe. Not at his place. Lotovsky Resort and Spa provides(yes, provides) each customer their own Kappa velour track suit. You can wear it to the pool, the sauna, or even the neighbors house as you drunkenly stumble into their home at 4AM. The restaurants — what can I say. If ever a place deserved a Michelin star, this would be it. And, although they only serve Vodka and lemons, I still highly recommend this hidden gem. On to the final touch that really sets this place apart from the rest — the owner. Alexander Lotovsky. Never have I met a man who can so easily consume infinite amounts of alcohol, get stabbed in the abdomen, and still be a gracious host. You may at first mistake him for a homeless alcoholic that stumbled into the Spa for a little heat and a hot shower — but you will quickly realize that he is the proprietor of this fine establishment. Not only does he dabble in the Hospitality industry, but he is also some sort of hotshot architect in NYC — he must be an important guy, his personal security detail can be a bit intimidating. This is the place to be. It’ll set you back a few rubles, but it is certainly worth it. 10⁄10 would come again.
