Orange County Jail

The guards is lazy, it took them 6 hours just to get me a property release forms they have no respect for anyone hopefully they never go to jail.

The guards showed you and your classmates the latest in discovered arts and crafts: a noose weaved from garbage bags, a knife whittled out of a toothbrush. When asked what you have learned today, you say «treat every line as a high wire without a net.»

The food sucked and they made me pay a bail bondsman when I had the money to bail myself out. It’s freezing everywhere and no one read me my Miranda rights when I originally got arrested. The police made fun of my tattoo which has my brother’s last words which really made me angry. There were a couple of helpful workers but for the most part they were extremely rude and arrogant. They didn’t give us beds until 7 am and then they woke us up at 10 to eat these shitty slices of ham with stale bread and some drink that wasn’t quite milk and wasn’t quite juice. I wouldn’t recommend staying more than one night. I had a panic attack and they just laughed and told me to man up, I can’t imagine how they deal with people with mental illnesses. They took 8% of the cash I had on hand which I’m pretty sure is illegal. The biggest transgression though was the horrid Jesus sandals they made me wear, I still cringe at the thought that someone might see me like that.

They gave me some crappy sandwich with the cheese still wrapped up. Would not recommend.

In a word: AWFUL! Steer clear of this place. There is a free one-​way shuttle service, but the seats are uncomfortable and the armrests are downright painful.
Upon arrival, they take a photo of you for their Instagram page. For some reason, TSA agents pat you down. The wait for a table is over an hour. The whole time you are thinking «This is a nightmare!» but don’t worry, because it only gets worse!
Once the maître de (very rude) calls your name, you are ushered down the hallway which is sparsely decorated in a post-​modern, industrial style. Before you get a table, you are shuffled from one room after another. The other patrons smell dreadful, I daresay some of them looked like homeless bums!
After what seems like hours, they FINALLY usher you to your table, which, oddly enough, is equipped with bunk beds and shockingly: an exposed toilet! MAJOR HEALTH CODE VIOLATION! Once you sit down at your cramped table for two, the waiter quickly slams the door on you which produces a loud and heavy sound, not unlike the Law and Order «Dun-DUN!l»
Once your food finally arrives it is cold, and served in styrofoam to-​go containers with flimsy plastic utensils. The dinner consisted of two small patties of mystery meat which seemed to have been frozen, fried, frozen again, then not thoroughly microwaved, some pasta spirals with just a hint of flavor, an iceberg lettuce and red cabbage salad with not a single tomato or a drop of dressing! Also in the container were two slices of un-​toasted white bread and some anonymous yellow cake, which was the highlight of the meal. The wine pairing was obligatory and far too sweet and watered down, in my opinion.
The view from the window was partially obscured by seemingly unnecessary architectural elements. Beyond the window a lake was visible, but it was largely overwhelmed by hideous spools of menacing razor wire.
That was quite enough for me. Just at this point, I was rescued by a dear friend who took me out for Fat Tire beers and a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich. After dinner we followed up with cigars and more beer. Well, needless to say, I will never go back to the Orange County Jail as LONG AS I LIVE! At least, I hope not…

Facility~ 5 Stars
Dickhead OPD that arrested me~ 0 Stars
I spent a relaxing night here a few years ago for allegedly violating article VIII section 18 – 411 Code 1986, 94.01 of the city ordinance, better known as «off premises canvassing». A local night club hired us to pass out free drink passes but failed to mention the law preventing it. The officer wanted to make an example out of me to show the club owners they wanted the fliering to stop. I was given no warning.
It was my first (and perhaps last) time in a place of incarceration, and I must say that I was rather pleasantly surprised with the experience given the circumstances. My memory is a bit hazy – you’ll have to excuse me as this was quite a few years ago.
The facility was newly built, in a concrete-​metal style that is elegant in its spareness and utility. It is, however, lacking in a certain fluidity. My particular cell was absolutely spic and span. A polished concrete floor and stainless steel fixtures complemented a minimal, Japanese-​inspired interior. In keeping with its status as a public facility, individual dwellings were completely sealed from each other with little flow or openness betwixt them.
A rolled up mat normally provides an additional level of comfort to the metal bunks lined nicely up against the walls.
Staff was generally efficient and friendly. My fellow detainee’s had lovely words of encouragement as this was not their first offence.
A new, soft gray blanket provided much needed warmth during the morning chill. Unfortunately, I was not able to turn off the fluorescent lights at my discretion. This, however, did nothing to disturb my inability to sleep because I was still in shock from the arrest .
If I were to suggest one area of improvement – the food was severely lacking. In the morning, I was given a tray containing a carton of low fat milk, generic brand cereal, mushy grits and 2 slices of white bread. While the cereal was satisfying (the milk, in particular, was very refreshing for a very parched throat), the grits were inedible. The two slices of white bread, I later learned come with every meal. 42 pieces a week in fact. With all the fresh produce that is locally available in Orlando, I felt it would represent the city better if these were available to the facility’s temporary dwellers.