Super Duper Winter Storm Trooper Jonas

My left foot, always the left one… has sank wholly into many a puddle this week Jonas. Having said this I know it is probly a NYC drainage problem and not of your ability to diffuse such a situation. K just wanted you to know this.

Two days of purgatory hell with 30 inches snow on January 23– 24, 2016.
Voluntary house arrest
Harrowing wind gusts to 70 MPH (112.654 Kilometres)
Freezing temperature 28 °F (2 °C)
Travel ban issued by New York City’s Mayor Bill de Blasio (no vehicles and no public transportation)
Subway service limited to underground only (no above ground service)
NYC museums closed, public libraries and Broadway shows closed
New York’s LaGuardia Airport (LGA) and John F. Kennedy Airports (JFK) were both closed
One hand shovel broken
Cannot open the front door
Snow, snow, snow, and more snow
Blizzard or Snowpocalypse
Queens was not plowed until days later
Ahh, winter in New York. The wrath of Mother Nature.

We had to shovel our car out with a broom.
The kids in the houses on my walk to work made some cute snowmen that instantly melted into piles of arms and face pieces.
At least it’s melting now.

mother nature is such a tease… giving us 60-​degree days through early january. i almost decided living in jerz was kinda alright. jonas just haaad to come along and ruin it for me. i thought the polar vortex was unpleasant… jonas kicked it’s ass and then some.
30 inches of snow?
no thanks.
return to sender.
not compliant.
all of the backsies.
nope, nope, nope.
go home, jonas.
this ish is gonna take forever to melt. shitty apartment maintenance is too lazy to plow well, so there’s hardly anywhere to park and the lot is basically an ice rink.
there’s snow up to my windows.
my car wheels froze so bad that the balance was offset and i thought the vehicle was gonna explode when i tried to go to work.
it’s cold.
thank goodness for snow boots and for awesome boyfriends who shovel. and for netflix having 10 seasons of criminal minds for me to binge watch. and for space heaters, cuddly cats, and fluffy pillows.
one star for this gross snowstorm, for giving me a reason to make hot cocoa from scratch for the boo, all while reminiscing about 1996. ahh, nostalgia.
…is it warm yet?

Well so much for a mild winter.
Seems like light years ago that it was 60 degrees out. Remember Christmas Eve ?
I happen to work outside. Imagine that. Always watch the weather channel in the winter time. Along with listening to news radio. A few things concerned me. The size of the storm & a full moon.
Jonas stretched from Tennessee to the mid– Atlantic states. With the full moon it had the makings of a very damaging Nor’easter. And it was. I’ll will always be concerned about the Jersey shore. Especially since Hurricane Sandy.
Even in the city, some folks just get cabin fever & have to go out. Very bad idea.
Lives were lost…
It was the 2^nd worst storm in the NY city area ever. With over 27 inches of snow in a 12 hour span. A winters worth in one day.
Six days out and the area airports are still not back to normal.
Fcuk you Jonas.

Great name for this Unilocal page, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving a high rating.
On Friday, January 22^nd, my area received blizzard warnings in response to this storm. Grocery stores and fuel stations were packed. Earlier, the forecasters said that this storm wouldn’t approach the North/​Central Jersey areas until after midnight. But then, the storm moved faster than expected, and so fast that a news article was published, saying that «Between 6−7PM that night, be sure to get to where you’re suppose to be at and just stay there, as conditions will deteriorate later on.» (NJ​.Com). Needless to say, my plans that night had to be rescheduled thanks to Jonas’s accelerating storm track.
On Saturday, January 23^rd, Jonas was all over us with his blistering fury. His howling, strong winds woke us up at 3AM. Very strong winds shook the back of the house, yet our front windows were covered with snow. Heavy, wind-​driven snow persisted throughout the whole day and into the night (No Thunder-​Snow in my area!). All we could do was just stay inside, be warm, occupy ourselves, and pray that we don’t lose power. Good thing I had my emergency radio and Unilocal Power Bank charged up the night before in case we did lose power.
On Sunday, January 24^th, Jonas left my area with exactly 2 FEET of snow! With the assistance of my next door neighbor, it took us only 2 hours (sooner than I thought) to shovel out our driveway. You think that’s it? Oh no, there’s more. Our new (and apparently stupid) snow plowing contractor turned our private development into ONE WAY streets, when it was suppose to be TWO. This was a FAIL since the previous years were cleared for two-​way driving, and everyone here was disgusted as a result of his bad plowing.
Speaking of bad plowing, we decided to scope out the main roads. We could not believe what we saw. There was still 2 – 3 inches of snow on ALL of the main roads in my area. But the town next to us had little to none! This was HAZARDOUS, and people on Facebook were ranting about this! To add fuel to the fire, we saw several plows with their blades up while driving. Don’t you think it would be helpful if you put your blade down and start plowing away this mess!!!
On January 25^th (also my 25^th birthday), all of the main roads in my area were still really bad. So bad, that since it was also my birthday, I decided to not come into work that day since I felt that I didn’t need to deal with that kind of stress. I decided to relax and just get some errands done (while driving on the messy roads calmly). Thankfully, I did notice some improvements later in the afternoon (slushy melts), but it was all thanks to the sun. Shame on the snow plows for not cleaning up the streets properly in my area.
The reason why I give an extra star is because of the fact that we didn’t lose power at all. But still, I can’t forgive Jonas for the chaos that he brought into our areas.

So the American express CC company calls me up: «Abe, are you now in the Dominican Republic?» And I was like «Oh how I wish!» I got Jonas all over the place! Long story short, they’re sending me a new card, and they’re chasing that idiot who decided buying underwear with my CC was a good idea.
So as far as Jonas goes, nopes he was not that fun guy in real life as he sounded on-​line, but he did make quite an impression and left us with some disturbing memories… from those crazy big shots trying to drive cause they got a «all wheel drive» SUV or those people who panicked and ransacked the grocery shelves of all the toilet paper so they don’t wind up using card board…
Oh, and the mess he left behind?! It’s gonna take huge crews of workers to clean after him and there will be lots of baby’s in 9 months…
P. s. on a more serious note, it was really beautiful to see throughout this crazy situation how people helped each other in the time of need, my faith in humanity was somewhat restored.

«Snow, that’s so 2014»
Man Mother Nature strikes again with dumping a pile of snow on us New Yorkers, this time ranging almost up to 30 inches of snow. If that wasn’t enough there was a side of heavy winds attached with that so literally every step felt like a mile. But I’m here to simply say to Mother Nature she is simply «overrated» and needs to find other jobs quickly.
«Stuck in the snow? What you do»
As each hour snow was piling up three inches, I just decided to chill in and do some fun activities! I decided to actually use Netflix (which I never do) and I watched a bunch of well needed and feel good comedy movies! And once when I was done with that I switched over to play some Xbox one with a few friends of mine, we much of played well they the night into the morning!
«What will you do know?»
Umm since people are checking out the aftermath of this blizzard I think Imma grab tons of buckets filled with hot water and start melting my balcony.

As everybody knows, the only way to judge a catastrophic event nowadays is by the internet celebrities it spawns. And, at least as far as D.C. is concerned, besides Tian Tian the Giant Panda’s little galavant in the snow at the National Zoo and deer roaming the streets of the Cleveland Park neighborhood like D.C. has already gone through a spinoff of The Walking Dead, there really wasn’t one for this storm.
In fact, even the most famous band ever to talk about Jonas in a song, Weezer, did not even bother to jaunt into the studio and record a parodic remake of their ode «My Name Is Jonas» off the incredible Blue Album. So I’m going to do their work for them. Eat it, Rivers Cuomo. You’re probably warm in California anyway.
«My name is Jonas…
I flooded the beach…
Thanks for all the coverage…
But as a storm, I was kind of a reach.
Come get stuck indoors…
I will make you bored…
Especially since… I probably won’t knock out your power…
Buying extra food, just in case I’m rude…
Just like grandma warned… gotta buy your dry food.
D.C. Metro trains completely shut down…
Until Monday no transportation to be found…
Drivers said we ain’t going anywhere…
The snow plows are stuck in the road…
My names is still Jonas…
I knocked down a really rural horse barn…
This was somehow big news… because of my limited harm… limited harm.
Still my winds they blew…
Dumped two feet of sloo…
Guys in panda suits… rolling in their driveways
The news crews on all day… nothing much to say
They just show pictures… of their baby watchers
Storm is not going as it planned…
Shut down the roads to the mountain heartlands…
The snow plows will not clear a path…
Until Monday during the storms aftermath…
Government workers are stuck at home…
Military contractor workers are stuck at home…
Non-​profit workers are stuck at home…
University workers are stuck at home…
YEAH!»
Maybe they should name the next storm in honor of Lemmy Killmeister. At least then we know it will cause some major destruction. Or at least give everyone an excuse to buy a lot of whiskey.

Thank you Jonas for reminding why I hate snow storms…
1. Shoveling
2. Cabin Fever
3. NY mayor attempting to speak Spanish
4. The hype at the grocery store
5. Dirty snow
6. Weight gain from boredom
7. Realizing I threw out my boots last year
8. Asshole plows
9. Wet clothes
10. I’m a adult and can’t make snow angels without my neighbors thinking I’m weird

I have always love snow but maybe it’s because I’m a winter baby. I was able to go out Friday night to enjoy Broadway week with my six year old niece so I was excited about that. Now Saturday comes and I’m woken up at 6:30am by my niece (she slept over) since she wanted to know if we could go out to play in the Snow. I’m guessing kids don’t realize childless adults don’t wake up at 6:30am more like get home at that time :)
After going back to sleep I was again woken up at 8am to go out. Can’t force the kid to sleep trust me I tried so we got our ski clothes on and headed to pick up my nephew who lives a couple of buildings away. After we fought our way through the strong winds and snow we made it to the park down the block which I have to admit was beautiful since it was untouched (we were the only crazies out so early)
We walked around and even got to make some snow angels.
Came back home and made some Godiva hot chocolate which is my favorite.
Then the day consisted of Netflix with no chill.
Sunday woke up thank god this time on my own since the little one went home and since I was having some cabin fever I decided to troop it out again and clean my car.
I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I have always found shoveling a good work out or at least that’s what us single girls tell ourselves.
I’m glad the weekend is over and looking forward to going back to work tomorrow because I really have nothing else to do at home.

Jonas ended up being the second worse blizzard in the history of the city. It only missed the mark by .1 inches. I think the final number was 26. something inches.
The mayor ended up called a travel ban so no one was supposed to be driving unless it was an emergency. Buses were shut down and a lot of the subway lines were down. So were the trains, NJ, LIRR, Amtrak etc. Flights were canceled and the airports all closed. I was lucky enough not to have to be outside but at times the wind and snow were making it very cold and hard to even see what was to far ahead of you.
Luckily or unluckily, depending on your perspective, it happened on a Saturday into Sunday so the cleanup at least has a head start before the work week starts.
I hate shoveling snow…

Very disappointing, this storm. It completely screwed up airports and highways. Some folks in Kentucky got stranded on the highway for 18 hours. How does that happen? Why can’t folks listen to a dang weather report?
I was supposed to fly home from Scranton to Charlotte and it was looking like it might actually happen until… denied! Sorry, Bruce. You get to spend the weekend in a hotel room in Wilkes-​Barre PA! 6 to 8 inches here which they were well prepared to handle. Salt, sand and plows were out in force. I could see them from the hotel room.
112 years since Orville and Wilbur Wright. And we STILL can’t fly planes in the snow? WTH!
Suck it, Jonas. Glad you’re dead now!

Was this amount of snowfall painful to watch? Sure. Am I happy to have a roof over my head and functioning heat? Absolutely. If you read the weather reports, the Internet at all or even encountered a human being in the past week you would have known that a storm was coming hard and long this Saturday. Snow is terrible, for sure, but as long as you had enough food, warmth and patience to get through the weekend, this was actually a good mental break from what otherwise would have been a work-​filled weekend for me. Thanks to Skype and Facebook messenger I had the closest to a normal Sunday I could have. At some point today, my mother is going to do a drive by with soup, the snow is currently melting and Unilocal Talk is no more boring than usual.
In sum, ²⁄₁₀ because they didn’t have tacos at that fucking sushi restaurant. I was in the mood for tacos!

Once upon a time in The Dominican Republic, there was a little girl, who was fascinated by all things snow… She watched, «Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer», «A Charlie Brown Christmas» and «Frosty The Snowman», all dubbed in Spanish, over and over again.
And she always imagined what it would be like and feel like, touching and playing with snow, the way they did in her favorite movies…
Well spank my as* and call me Debbie! Because fast-​forward 30 years, and that fuc*ing excitement has flown out the window-​for good– big time!
White Plains, just like the rest of the tri-​state area, was at a freaking stand still. We had 25″ of snow and I was not a freaking happy camper. There was a point during the freaking storm and wanted to go and eat. Though City Limits was opened for business during the storm, it was wayyyy too far to even walk.
However, Ben & Jerry’s ‘NY Super Fudge Crunch’ kept me company as well as a nice mushroom pizza that I grabbed from Trader Joe’s, a bottle of Rosé, a slice of City Limits’ Chocolate Mousse Torte and other goodies that I managed to grab before the winter snow storm.
And all the time, the snow fell, it brought back memories of movies past: beautiful and almost magical. And I will admit, while the day and evening sky looked beautiful, and the streets looking pearly white, my perception of snow remains the same, I still don’t like it.

Umm yea Mr. Jonas, you completely and udderly suck squirrel nuts…
I have cabin fever… I have been up since 6 am with a toddler, said toddler made me watch frozen 5 times, shrek 3 times and crap load of barney for good measure. Said toddler has eaten copius amounts of food and sugar and has been running in circles in my living room all day screaming look «elsa made it snow, elsa made it snow mommy!»
Well elsa is a cold hearted bitch and I hate her for this. I am not a caged animal I need to be free to graze outside. This is bull. I hope it is 70 degrees tommorow and this crap turns the streets into swimming pools, that we can all take a nice dip in, being that it’s 70 degrees like it was last week.
Well whatevs, we made it this far into winter with no snow so if this is the worst of it that’s cool. Yea that statement may sound passive aggressive, but dude I’m just following nature’s lead.
Peace ya’ll time to drink myself into a slumber now that my kid has finally passed out from crashing from her sugar coma. Here’s to warmer days ahead and no more of this insane crap! Stay warm mofos!

Shut it the fcuk down!
Thats what this storm did, it shut the house dowwwwn!!! Everything’s closed, not that I would know first hand, since I didn’t leave my house today.
When the news stations were all crying about stormageddon, I called BS… Well good thing I’m not a betting man, cause this isht right here is the real deal! This is was one of those storms where you shovel out your walkway and by the time you get to the end, the beginning looks the same as it did when you started.
Good thing I have plenty of food and booze at my house, cause right now I’m pretty turned up! I’ve been running threw my supply of various whiskies and cooking like a mofo!
The snows slowed down a lot compared to this morning and afternoon, but I’m still curious to see what the total accumulation when I wake up tomorrow.
Now let me pour another four fingers of bourbon!

Epic snowstorm that is a blast from the past!
Some of you spoiled millennials whining and crying about the snow, the harsh winter, the sudden cold, and not being able to go out need to get a grip. Waaah — I can’t get to Starbucks! Waaah — I can’t go to brunch today!
This past decade has seen so many mild winters you have no clue. Crap, it was 70 on Christmas here. What more do you want? This winter has been like a flaccid penis until this fluffer of a storm dropped to it’s knees and went to work in front of Old Man Winter. Yeah, Jonas has no shame. He works hard for every inch.
Back in my day we normally had winter snowstorms every week, for months, and walked miles to school, uphill, with bare feet, then walked ten miles into town and worked hard labor, and then walked back home in the middle of another blizzard.
Jeezus people, where’s your toughness? Where’s your sacks hung like bowling balls? It’s only 30 inches of snow. This is NYC. They will start plowing all day and night and by Sunday afternoon the main roads will be cleared, side roads will be mostly plowed, and sidewalks will be shoveled.
Sucks if you live in the suburbs as you’re screwed for the next few months. Have fun out there! Hahahahaha!
My shopping the day before consisted of beer, booze, Pop Tarts, Cheetos, and cupcakes. Yeah, I prepared well.
As for me, I sat on the couch last night, watched John Wick in front of my large flat screen TV, and enjoyed a bottle of small batch maple bourbon as the snowfall started. Woke up, made coffee, pancakes, and plopped back on the couch. Did some Netflix and chill. Ordered a burger and fries for lunch. Had some more booze. Ordered Chinese for dinner. (Oh, and another perk of living in the city — diners and Chinese joints never close and will deliver in a blizzard. So much win over the burbs.)
Now kicking back with a bottle of wine and some pastries. Watching more TV. Just couch surfed all day. Why bother going outside? No need to. It’s a blizzard out there. Drank a lot of booze. Looked out the window a few times to view the snow. Even opened it to reach out and make a snowball.
Had to touch Jonas’ balls at least once. Damn, this dude is hung.

I’m Drunk. And I have no food.
I’ve got 6 more hours left before my curry oxtails are done and I have nothing to eat. And by oxtails I mean penis. Kidding.
Why the fuck did I listen to all those shmucks on Unilocal Talk who said, this storm was going to be bullshit? Because, I’m an idiot Gagina.
I’ve been living here for for three decades now and have survived a mugging, a fire, women, food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, a rat bite, a terrorist attack and a few storms. I’m pretty sure there is more, but in addition to being drunk since about 9:30 am today, I’m pretty high right now and can’t remember shit. I’m surprised I can even type right now. I digress.
I think I have some ketchup. I could make soup out of that. Instant ramen is an option, but I used up the packets for a dish I made a few months back, when again, I was high. Those seasoning packets are good on a lot of other stuff, FYI.
I’m back, just urinated. I pee sitting down. I’m not sure why more men don’t do this. It’s so much more relaxing and has many advantages. One, it eliminates spillage when the two stream thing happens or when you just miss. Two, sometimes when you’re sitting down for a #1, a number 2 comes out and I’m all about efficiency. Wait, I had a point to make…
West Wing is genius. I started my marathon of Star Wars at 7am. I needed a break, so I’ve been watching West Wing for a few hours now. After all these years, it’s STILL, really good.
Switched to Bob Lazar interviews. Him and the element 115 thing has been my current obsession. Don’t judge me, Felecia. What the hell was my point?
The bodega down the street is open. Those Koreans are some hard working people or they live over the store and didn’t have shit to do, but really, who does today? I’m pretty sure DR a block away is open, but the thing is, I just don’t want to go outside. I mean, there’s a fucking snow storm out there and I am from a tropical island in the Pacific. We don’t do snow. I digress.
So far, this storm looks pretty good. I’m not saying it’s the best, but it’s up there. I have half a bottle of wine and maybe, four shots of Jameson left. This is the winter of my discontent.
I really should have been better prepared, but again, I am blaming this all on those dickheads on Unilocal Talk who thought this shit was gonna be nothing and thus, forced me into believing them. I don’t want to take responsibility…3 inches they said. Actually, she said that too, but that’s another review.

I’ll start this review with a repeat of my check in comment from yesterday:
Breaking News: It tends to snow in the Northeast in January. It’s perfectly normal. Don’t be scared. Relax, have a cup of tea and count to 3. It’s gonna be alright boo boo.
Lol, hey look, this is New York and snow in the winter is not a rare or novel occurrence. It’s hysterical to me that they started naming these things a few years ago. When I was a kid it was just snow. Now it’s Winter Storm (insert lame name).
So we have Jonas. He started sh***ing all over us last night/​early this morning. By my fuzzy estimation he’s dumped close to 2ft on us last time I looked out at my deck. It’s windy. It’s cold. It’s snowing.
Again, we call that winter.
Not really a freak out event as far as I’m concerned. Talk to me when we have a snowstorm in July.
How am I coping with Jonas?
The best way I know how, with booze and Redman blasting out my stereo. I got nowhere to be and even if I did, whoever would be expecting me would be getting the highest honor one fingered salute. Noemi is somewhere sharpening her machete, waiting on old man winter to knock on the door. We got something for him alright.
I need to take a shower… Maybe I should go outside and roll around in the snow, put my stink all over Jonas… Jonas… Sounds like someone I’d smack up with baby powder if I caught him on the street.
Redman says he «can’t wait to get it on.» Or is that the voice of one of the demon fairies that talks to me every day? I dunno.
I’m incoherent.
This review makes no sense. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Probably my least useful review to date. Cool? Meh. Funny? Depends on what kinda snow you got blowing in your neck of the woods. Did I mention I need a shower?
Oh yea…
Old Man Winter, watch your back. I know where you rest ya head…
One day… One day…