Kick Ass Art

Q: What happens when a SoCal producer of porno films (redundant?) specializing in foot-​fetish (e.g.: the licking of oatmeal off of toes) decides that he really, like, likes art?
A: He uses his porn warehouse/​porn studio as an exhibition space for new, unknown local artists and calls it «Kick Ass Art». Welcome to Los Angeles.
One might assume, correctly, that a guy who finds FEET the most fascinating part of the female body might not have the most discriminating aesthetic sensibilities; this assumption is confirmed by the quality of most of the art. But who’s looking?
While he doesn’t charge a gallery fee to the artists who sell their works at the shows, there is a tip-​only bar that is run by naked wanna-​be porn stars, and a «performance» by real naked porn stars. Their performance ranks right up there with Yoko Ono’s «Cut Piece»: hula-​hooping porn stars, porn stars playing Twister, porn stars riding wooden ponies… Matthew Barney take note: there’s some great material here for the next installment of Drawing Restraint, especially given your fascination with petroleum jelly.
While Kick Ass Art’s motto is «The low arts supporting the high arts,» the show is neither very artistic nor very pornographic, but I like how it serves as a hyperbolic example of how the arts are so sexified in today’s culture. Hey kids! Make art and girls with waxed pubes and no gag reflexes will hula-​hoop around you! I also like how, if you’re drunk off of free gin and tonics served to you by a naked porn starlet and you’re feeling amateurishly philosophical, an event like Kick Ass Art challenges distinctions between «low» and «high» arts, and maybe even makes them disappear. But whatever your opinion that, it makes sense on the political level for art and porn to be on display together, since, throughout history, both of them have faced similar or identical forms of persecution from freedom-​of-​speech-​hating ideologues.
I learned, from my top secret industry insider connection that invited me, which attendees were pornographers, and I can tel you this: Men involved in the porn business (not the porn performance) are very lame looking: they wear ill-​fitting polo shirts, old Levis, tasteless Nikes, and have unmemorable haircuts (remember what I said about the pornographer and aesthetic sensibility?). They also have large frames that are neither fat nor particularly in shape. That being said: A drunk husky fellow with a ponytail and a Dickie’s jacket came up to me while I was taking to my friend V — — - and said, «Hey man, can I ask you a question real quick?»
«Uh, yeah.»
«I was wondering, you know, what I’d have to do to get into films.»
«That’s a good question. I don’t know.»
«Oh you don’t? Aw man, they told me at the bar told me that you were a producer!»
Then he wandered off and I immediately realized that I ruined my chance to totally humiliate by asking, for instance, «Well, show me what you’re working with, man.»
I said to V — — - something like, «That’s funny, he thought that I was a porn producer.»
«I guess you could sort of look like one,» she said.
Ouch. But anyways.
Towards the end of the night, I noticed, standing amongst a group of porn producers, porn star Ashley Blue, the 2004 AVN performer of the year. She was dressed in not-​tight jeans and a longish black coat; basically, like a normal girl. I’m not exactly a porn expert, and probably wouldn’t recognize most porn stars if I saw them on the street. But I recognized her and, surprisingly, I felt exactly as I would if I had just recognized, say, a musician that I really liked (Joanna Newsom, for instance; remember: art is sexy).
She glanced over a couple of times (probably thinking to herself, «Is that guy a producer? But then why is he dressed awesomely?»), but I didn’t go and say hi. But I did discuss with V — — - how porn stars might feel about their celebrity, and what they probably felt when people came up to them and said hi. We decided that they probably don’t mind when it’s normalish or even subculturish people their own age who don’t say pervy things to them. As opposed to obese 60-​year-​olds in sweatpants who say immediately, oh I dunno, really pervy and lame things like I love how you swallow a stiff rod, baby.
But, of course, it would seem pretty difficult if you were talking to a porn star not to talk about just how exactly she swallows a stiff rod. Or in Ashley Blue’s case, how and why she stuffs her fist all the way into her mouth and if she really likes it or is just a really good actor. Or the mechanics of how she fits two penises up her butt.
V — — - and I wandered back to our other friend my friend, who had been «chatting up» a date he brought the entire time. I told them, «Hey look, there’s Ashley Blue. She always does this thing where she randomly stuffs her entire fist in her mouth and makes herself gag sort of.»
My friend’s date responded contemptuously, «And does that turn you on?»