Burlington Coat Factory

Store was dirty and the selection was not good. Everything has anti-​theft tags, and I do mean everything. I was afraid to get a drink out of the water fountain which had spit all over the basin. They are doing construction outside but that can’t explain how awful it is inside here. I won’t be back.

It’s 3am. Your clothes are splattered with someone’s blood and is that… grey matter? It IS. Yikes. Everything you thought you knew yesterday is nothing compared to what your world has become. You need to get on the first flight back to the Dominican but your current threads would arouse the suspicion of the most inept airport security screener. What to do?
I’ll tell you what to do. First, get some sleep. You’re no good to anyone in your current state. After you wake up, head to McDonalds and get a McMuffin and an OJ… a small, not a large (you don’t need that much sugar this early in the morning).
Next, head to Antioch Mall off of Antioch Road in beautiful Gladstone. Go to Burlington Coat Factory… There are two entrances, it doesn’t really matter which one you choose. If you go in the Westside entrance, you can stop at the candy kiosk and get some gummy Cokes. Those things are delicious. But I digress. Go into Burlington. Avoid the approach of the salespeople. There are a million of them here, outnumbering the customers by an impractical ratio. You don’t need their help.
To the left is the business attire. Reasonably priced suit-​separates, swanky ties, slacks that say, ‘hey, I know a bargain when I see one.’ Just be careful when you buy your ties. Some are from the Steve Harvey collection. Ties from the Steve Harvey collection should only be purchased if you are, in fact, the comedic namesake or a preacher at an inner-​city revival church.
Although some of the business attire is flashy – chocolate-​pinstriped suede jackets – you can buy stuff that WON’T make you look like a pimp too. Stick to the non-​pimp clothes. The less looks you get the better.
If you’re looking for something a little more comfortable, head due east. There, you’ll find 4XXL t-​shirts embroidered with the faces of Fat Albert and friends, Woody Woodpecker or the Portland Trailblazers logo. Giant pants are there as well, to complete the ensemble.
Burlington Coat Factory also sells brightly colored shoes, area rugs of varied wild animal patterns and cologne. You probably don’t need any of that stuff (unless the blood got on your faux zebra-​skin rug and pillow set) and I think they sell coats as well.
Side note– if you’re in an Aryan hate group, you probably wouldn’t like it here. Just a heads up. I’m not racist, by any means, but I’m not blind, either. If, however, you’ve got a pregnant Mexican teen fetish, this place is like Heaven on Earth. You’re welcome.
(THIS PLACE IS NOT CLOSED. NOT SURE WHY IT SAYS THAT)