Shoney’s Restaurant

Eaten here twice in the last year. I’m not a huge fan of buffets in general but this one has been very good both visits. Our waitress was attentive and friendly. I’d eat here again.

Classic fried American restaurant food, circa 1977. Nostalgia makes me add a star more than it probably deserves but hell, I’m a softie. The highlight is the famous breakfast buffet, which is great for a low-​carb stuff your face option. The coffee is mediocre but not bad. Off the menu, I go with a Slim Jim or the fish and chips, which is old school breaded and fried.
Decent service. Relatively cheap. Not a destination but you can, and will, do worse elsewhere.

I always remembered Shoney’s as a filling station with cheap ingredients that primarily appealed to diners over 80 years old — because their taste buds don’t work. I stopped at this location — about ten years after I last ate at a Shoney’s, and believe me — the description above recalls «the good old days.» In other words — it’s gotten a lot worse.
The buffet was eleven dollars, but their goal is to fill you up without reaching that crucial «one dollar» in food cost.
Let’s start with the spaghetti. If you run a buffet and diners are stupid enough to fill up on spaghetti, don’t cut corners. There’s barely any cost anyway. But Shoney’s worked their magic and managed to make their spaghetti the worst I’ve ever seen, touched or tasted. Though it was cold, it was chock full of the flavor of the water it was overcooked in. Mmmmmm. And the tomato sauce reminded me of off-​brand ketchup. The meatballs were — I believe — hamburger helper mixed with potting soil. Ora che è italiano! (Now that’s Italian!)
They also had what I interpreted to be «fried chicken.» As inhumane as it sounds — chickens are supposed to be slaughtered. Shoney’s buys chickens that have died of malnutrition, perhaps after a long, steroid-​addled life of laying eggs. The skin clung to the bones with nothing in between. It looked like a plastic fried chicken breast had melted. It tasted worse.
I could go on and on, but you probably get the picture.
I told my dinner companions that it tasted like hospital food with some seasoning. In retrospect that was far too charitable. It tasted more like something that would trigger an inmate-​abuse lawsuit at a penitentiary. «Your honor, exhibit ‘A,’ described by the defendants as ‘Chicken.’»
The funniest part was the servers — begging for tips with phony southern charm as we walked out, full of regret. All the «see y’all’s» and «come on backs» in the world wouldn’t bring me back to this place. That was the worst meal I’ve eaten in 49 years on this earth. Even those blue-​hairs won’t keep you in business much longer.
Shoney’s, you should be ashamed of yourselves.