Schnitzel König

In honor of the «Best Thing I Ever Ate: Munich Edition» I’d like to remix this 80’s greaties classic by the Beastie Boys, Paul Revere.
Now, here’s a little Oktoberfest story I’ve got to tell,
About four bad mofos, you know so well.
How we made it out of the country is a mystery,
With Adam, Phil, Jon, and me… Rony.
We were a little hungry and there was no food near,
Just me and them horsing around with maßkrüge of weissbier.
Riding in a tram across the land, kickin’ it with a Bavarian Polka band.
GSG-9’s posse on my tail cuz I’m the man.
One and only Amerikaner I be, all by ourselves, without nobody.
The sun is beating down on all my tats,
The air is gettin’ hot, our biers are getting flat!
Lookin’ for a Austrian, we ran into that guy.
His name is Marco, I said, «Howdy». He said, «High?.»
He told a little story, he slurred so much I thought his words were reversed.
Four days eating at the Weisn and that he’s tired of leberwurst.
das Gebräu was in my hand, and foamy mustache on my lip.
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry, he asked me for a sip.
He said, «Can I get some?» I said, «You can get some!»
Drinking games for fun? We decided on beer shotguns.
Quick on the chug, I thought I’d be ahead.
He put the empty can on my head and this is what he said,
«Now my name is Marco T., I’m so hungry I feel ill.
I think you know what time it is, it’s time to get our stomachs filled.
Now what do we have here? Amerikaner, Österreicher, Kanadier and their beer.
«We run this bitch, you understand? Can you hear me loud and clear?»
We stepped into the biting wind, but there was still some sun, and I had a grin.
You think this story’s over, but it’s ready to begin.
Now, «you can get the munchies, or you guys get the brew,
You got two choices of what you can do.
It’s not a tough decision as you can see,
«We can eat all day or you can ride to the Weisn again with me.»
I said, «I’ll ride with you if you can get me a Schnitzel.»
The locals after me for what I did at the Weinzelt.
I did it like this, I did it like that,
I did it to all the Fräuleins wearing a Miami Dolphins hat.
So I’m sweating a ton, Adam’s got my flask of rum,
And right about now, it’s time to have some fried meat between a bun.
The Schnitzel König, that’s the name,
And I know the fly spot that’s better than any American chain.»
We walked for six blocks then we hit the spot,
The line was a bumping and the fryer was hot.
This cook was staring like he knows who we are,
We took the empty spot next to ladies that just came from the bar.
Jon said, «Ey Lederhoez, you know this kid?»
They said, «We didn’t.», but I know they did.
The cook said, «Get ready cause this ain’t funny,
There’s only two left. Now give me 9 euros of your money.»
Pulled out the sammies, and aimed them at the sky,
He yelled, «eat ‘em up!», and let two fly!
Hands went up but we were drunk as fuck, and they hit the floor,
He nearly wasted Schnitzelburgers that almost fell on the floor!
I’m Rony Mō and I gets respect. «Split ‘em up eat ‘em, that’s what I expect»
Adam was with it and he said, «This is the best place.»
So I grabbed it with both hands and took it to my face.
The garlic-​mayo spurted out, the currywurst ketchup plopped,
I said they should make this with beef, and all their jaws dropped!
Phil grabbed them from me; Jon snatched one half,
I grabbed at their biers and said, «That’s fuckin’ cold!»
*Dedicated to three Canadians — Adam C., Phil T., Jon P. and one Austrian Marco T. Four guys that couldn’t walk another step, without a schnitzelburger*
A schnitzelburger is a soft potato bread bun stuffed with a juicy slice of tomato, fresh lettuce, and a hot, crispy, piece of breaded pork served with either garlic-​mayo, or curry spiced ketchup for € 4.50. It is found only at the Schnitzel König stand in front of the Hippodrom tent at Oktoberfest. Get two if you ever have the chance.
If you’d like to know how much I disgraced this song you can check it here…